I'm Buddha's Bitch

I had a whole opening to this first post I was going to write. It was literate and funny and very heady. It was smart and all about me making sure I was playing it safe and looking good.

Yea, fuck that.

I'm anonymously writing this blog because I like to say what's on my mind and that pisses people off. Even when what I am say has nothing to do with them, somehow, they ingeniously make it about them. It's a curious way to live.

It's like this -- I know a lot of comedians and funny people are all about being assholes and really digging into people and exposing their flaws. I get it. It's funny. Lisa Lampanelli anyone? She walks that very thin line, crosses it, then comes back and it's funny.

But I've got this spiritual dilemma going on. It's the right kind of dilemma but it's a pain in the fucking ass. What is it?

It's like this - at least a thousand times a day there are a million comments running through my head on what I'd like to say but then there is a little voice in my head that says, "That's funny but fucked up. Don't say that. You'll get in trouble."

What is this little voice? And why is it in my head?

I've been studying Buddhism for the past five years in an effort to make sense of my life. It's a fucking train wreck, and I mean that in the best possible way. I live in a big city. I work in a big fancy office. I have good health. I got hemorrhoids, I got corns, I got some fat on my ass and my tits sag, but all in all my shit works.

But something is missing. Something has always been missing. I've been talking to a lot of people and the one thing I hear more than anything is how they want to be doing 'something else' with their life. What? They don't fuckin' know. All they know is "something is missing."

We all have lots of ways we go about trying to find out what the fuck is it that is missing. Some of us smoke pot. Some of us drink. Some of us go to the gym so much we look like the actress in the TV show Burn Notice...our bones stick out and we look like a fucking corpse.

We have lots of sex. We eat more pussy than that cute fat boy on the Food Network eats (you know, Man Versus Food, which is essentially a TV show about watching one man die of high cholesterol and fat, but hey, it's good TV and makes people money, so it must be okay).

We suck more dick than all the secretly gay conservative Southern preachers in all of the Southern states combined. We put more hard things into more wet holes than Jennifer Lopez does trying to show the world she can act in the pathetic spawn of movies she's been in. Okay, sure, "Out Of Sight" was great, but one good movie does not a Hispanic or Mexican career or whatever she is career make.

That woman needs to open up a Drag Queen Training Academy in Miami because until I can see under that dress for myself and confirm she doesn't have a dick, I'm not convinced that she/he isn't a a man from Long Island born under the name Jose Riviera pretending to be a biological woman named Jennifer Lopez.

Okay, see? Now, that's what goes through my head but writing that isn't good.

Why?

In my studying of Buddhism one thing is clear -- to find our bliss and move closer to our revealing our true Inner Nature (where we will find the answer to this missing 'something' in our lives), we need to live an openly compassion and loving life and saying that Jennifer Lopez is a dirty, rich trannie who hoards all of her money and has had so much Botox injected into her cheeks she looks like a tan, Mongoloid chipmunk in heat, isn't nice.

Being nice is good.

Revealing to people how they are addicted to their own bullshit is good.

Revealing the truth of our lives to ourselves is the answer.

So how do we do it? How do we live a fully honest life? How do we expose the bullshit so many people spout, but do it compassionately so our karma is in tact and we don't end up shoving horse dung in Nepal in our next life?

When after a break-up, someone gives us the worst possible advice anyone could give us, instead of saying, "That's actually quite charming you think what you just said would make me fell better, when in fact, you've always been a heartless cunt and I hope you get a yeast infection that last for all of bikini season", we might say this:

"I know you are trying to be kind, but what you just said isn't helpful. I just told you I found my husband in bed with four hooker midgets...one had a dick. And you tell me to accept and forgive? How about he accepts my shoving a lamp shade up his ass and I accept tipping this bottle of scotch into my mouth?"

See?

It's just a little shift.

Look, I know life is a pain in the fucking ass. I know most of us are not living the life we want to live. Most of what people say isn't helpful or truthful or plain kind. But that doesn't mean we need to be heartless fucks.

This blog is going to be a useful and daily exposure of how all us think in trying to figure out our fucked up stations in life.

What is the mantra of this blog? It's only two lines.

Two lines for all of us hapless fucks to say.

Repeat often:

SHOW ME THE WAY
SHOW ME THE MONEY

Off for now...

Buddha's Bitch