How To Fuck Your Blackberry

I opened up a magazine today and saw an add for the Blackberry mobile device. This is what the text was:

"When ASAP Isn't ASAP Enough"

Yesterday I bitched and moaned about my station in life, saying I wanted Pam Anderson's pussy and showed honest pictures of what the woman named "Madonna" really looks like and Eva whatever...as you can see, the road to Buddha-like enlightenment is a tough one.

The people who make Blackberry aren't helping the matter.

What Blackberry is saying with this ad is it's okay to be impatient and pissy when you don't get what you want. They support this by saying (with this ad) "When you just can't wait ONE MORE SECOND for someone to respond, buying out product will help little old impatient you get what you want RIGHT AWAY."

ASAP means, obviously, As Soon As Possible. But did you know this little ditty originated from during WWII as a way for soldiers to shorten communication? The military.

A friend of mine who used to work for a big, big corporate company told me that whenever anyone would ask a question (meaning, they needed clarification on something), people would always answer with one very firm, clipped and resounding word: "CORRECT."

Very loud. Very direct. Very firm.

CORRECT.

That's fucked up. It's like a military state.

But the funny part is if you were to tell those people who work in that company how fucked up it is to communicate like they're on a battlefield, they'd treat you like a moron, because in their warped, high-speed viewpoint, you are. You don't 'get it'.

Modern life is now akin to working in a battlefield. I need it NOW. I need it NOW. I need it NOW.

Fuck.

It's like the Crackberry ad - ASAP means As Soon As Humanly Possible. But that's not fast enough for some people. If as soon as possible is as soon as possible, how much fucking faster is someone expected to answer someone if they are doing it as soon as possible?

To illustrate my point, I am going to enter the mind of my neighbor. No, this isn't like that boring moving Inception (Jesus, I thought that ego-filled movie would never end)...

I'm going to enter the mind of my neighbor, a sweet gal across the street with two kids, a husband and a very busy career life...I'm going to enter her mind and show you want she thinks the second she wakes up.

Ready?

Here we go...

ALARM GOES OFF

"Oh my God. I don't want to get out of bed. I'm so tired. Did I drink caffeine last night? No, I drank wine. That sleeping pill makes me tired. Christ, my back hurts. Fucking Pilates. I thought exercise was suppose to make me feel better. Just makes me feel like shit. George and his goddamn snoring kept me awake again. When is he going to use the apnea snoring machine the doctor gave him? If he just went with me to the gym he'd lose his weight. He'll never lose weight. I married a fat man. This is great. I love him but he's fat. Why won't he lose weight? What am I doing with my life? He can't sleep, he snores, he says his body hurts but he won't do anything about it. I don't want to get out of bed. Are the girls up? I hear something downstairs. I've got that fucking meeting with Melinda today. Fucking Melinda. She is so mean. Why is she so mean? I don't want to get out of bed. What's the point? What am I doing with my life. Oh, I hear the girls on the stairs. They're coming up now. I have to get up. I have to make them breakfast, open up the new coffee, make sure the gardener doesn't steal my petty cash in the closet, take out the trash, get the candles at the mall for Mom and make sure we have the money sent to the hunting lodge for weekend. What else, what else, what else?"

And this in the first 30 seconds of her Wednesday.

It's no wonder so many of us are trying to reach a bar we can never reach...it's because we are so GODDAMN BUSY and THINKING ALL THE TIME we never allow ourselves to...

I was reading this magazine the other day. It's called "Shambhala Sun". Fuck if I know what it means but the issue was about meditation.

Most people I know laugh at the idea. They find it silly and stupid and easy to make fun of. Well, they're dumb.

We are all running around, making sure we eat the right food, do the right exercise, read the right books and see the right movies and art...but we don't go WITHIN. The answers truly are within. I know, this truth is a pain in the fucking ass, but it's the truth.

Problem is our society does NOT support this thinking and does NOT support a life of slowing down...seeing reality for what it is...taking stock of the reality of our lives...and then changing our lives if we don't like what we see.

From the magazine:

"[During the act of daily meditation] let us being by asking ourselves, 'What do I really want out of life? Am I content to just keep improvising from day to day? Am I going to ignore the vague sense of discontent that I always feel deep down when, at the same time, I am longing for well-being and fulfillment?'"

Did you really read that? I swear, this is what most people think but never say:

"Am I going to ignore the vague sense of discontent that I always feel..."

Fuck.

See, our shortcomings are not inevitable. We don't have to put up with the setbacks that have brought us to where we are in life. We don't.

Now, the magazine went on with this, but I have to be honest, I still have not found this 'realization' yet...I'm still struggling like a fucker:

"From a Buddhist point of view, the traditional texts say every being has the potential for enlightenment...despite this, we wander about in confusion like a beggar who is simultaneously rich and poor because he doesn't know he has a treasure buried under the floor of his hut."

Okay, as I was typing this I got a phone call. There was this young girl I met at the local Starbucks near where I work. She had a kind and sweet face. But there was something lurking under the surface I couldn't put my finger on.

I told her to call me if she wanted to talk. She just called to tell me she needs a job to pay for her outstanding balance for her nursing degree. Seems she had a mom who was beating up on her and she had to move out to escape the abuse. She's got herself a nice apartment share with two other girls and came to me asking if I could show her resume around.

Oh, and she's 18.

18 years old and she's got one year of nursing under her belt AND dealing with the fact she was abused for years and is trying to make something of herself.

See, now, there you go. If I hadn't taken the time to stop and talk to her and get to know her she never would have called and I never would have had the chance to help her out.

If I was busy on my fucking Blackberry writing to people about this deal or that deal or about how to make money from this person or or or...

Slow down. Breath. See what is in front of you.

Today, I found one coin in my stash of gold. And yea, it was right under my feet.

Buddha's Bitch over and out...

I want to have Pamela Anderson's pussy

I was watching this roast on Comedy Central of Pamela Anderson and one thing was clear - that woman may be a whore, a slut, she may love to jump up and down on Tommy Lee's big dick, but there is one thing that woman doesn't do much and this is suffer.

Some days I wish I was a dumb as a celebrity who made a ton of money and didn't want to do anything more with their life than show their titties and flash their cooch and make money off of the dumb public.

For the fucking life of me, I can't see the way out of where I am at this station in life. I want to take down my pants and crap on the head of a rich person and tell them how lucky they are they don't have to work a pitiful job to pay the rent and buy their groceries.

You can tell I'm feeling a bit bitter today.

See, this is the point where I should stop typing and take a stroll outside and clear my head. I got a lot to be thankful for, right?

But I did something that made me feel better.

Much better.

Buddha - forgive me.

Okay, look at this. Here is Pamela Anderson in all of her slutty glory:

Look at her titties poking through her top. I mean, whatever worries this woman has she doesn't seem too terribly plagued by them. She has money, big fake bobbies men seem to love, a gaping hooch and a ton of fucking money.

Bitch doesn't have to shop at Walmart like the rest of us, work at a job where she don't feel she belongs or put up with unappreciative people.

I mean, please. Look at her.

While I was wallowing in my own inabilty to get ahead in life, I dug up this other picture of Ms. Anderson:

Now, I'm sure Buddha wouldn't approve of this but this...this makes me feel better.

Much better.

Forgive me, Buddha.

Look at her. She's like any other white trash girl in my town draggin' her sorry looking ass to the store to buy dinner and spend another night drinking wine and taking pills to toss away her worries she's wasting her life.

This made me feel so good I kinda kept going.

Look at Madonna:

The woman may be richer than God but she is not an attractive woman without a pound of make up and a million lights streaming into her face. And you can't tell me this woman hasn't had plastic surgery. Please. Personally, I don't know any man who wants to fuck her. It seems it's only gay men who like her.

Again, I realize this isn't a very healthy way to feel better today but I had to do one more. Take a gander at this one:

This is the woman Gabriella on Desperate Housewives. Eva something. No one really knows her last name. I have nothing against her personally. I mean, she's okay, can't really act as far as I can see, just another pretty fact, but look at the before shot. I mean, this is a gal I'd expect to see at the Piggly Wiggly. Sure, she is pretty but she's not THAT pretty. Really look at how much makeup is on her, look at her earrings and her hair. I'm telling you - she sat in a chair for HOURS to look like that.

Which is why when I get down on myself for not being more successful at my work or being a bigger splash in life than I thought I might, I take a look at these photos and am reminded all the rich and famous people splashed over People and US and Star are fake and part of a big star machine that has no basis in reality.

Madonna wipes her ass and pisses out of her twat. Sure, she may live in five mansions and seem like a fairly unhappy and unpleasant person, but she's not different from the rest of us.

And Pamela Anderson, despite being a whore and weirdly nervous and oddly jittery in public, is like the rest of us.

Pam takes a shit and looks like a normal, tired person with no makeup on. And I've seen her inteviewed on camera. She's pretty insecure. She seems like she could fly off and have a nervous breakdown at any minute. You ever wonder how such neurotic people become so rich?

So the lesson in this? The lesson is when I feel (and you feel) overwhelmed by the choices in front of you and you feel you are not going to get anywhere better than where you are, just remember, in reality, the woman who calls herself "Madonna" looks like a really ugly and really unhappy middle-aged Italian woman having her period.

NO.

That's not the right way to think.

The right way is to not judge others for their follies because when we do we can't accept who we are. And that's where we get fucked up. Accept where you are right now, but keep plugging and keeping moving forward, no matter how hard it is for you.

There. Namiste and may Buddha rock your world.

Now that we're righted our karma, I'm not saying I'm judging rich people who don't do anything good with their money but flaunt their wealth all over, I will leave you with this lovely photo to remind you celebrities may have more money than us, but in the morning, they still look like shitty like the rest of us.

Case in point:

I'm Buddha's Bitch

I had a whole opening to this first post I was going to write. It was literate and funny and very heady. It was smart and all about me making sure I was playing it safe and looking good.

Yea, fuck that.

I'm anonymously writing this blog because I like to say what's on my mind and that pisses people off. Even when what I am say has nothing to do with them, somehow, they ingeniously make it about them. It's a curious way to live.

It's like this -- I know a lot of comedians and funny people are all about being assholes and really digging into people and exposing their flaws. I get it. It's funny. Lisa Lampanelli anyone? She walks that very thin line, crosses it, then comes back and it's funny.

But I've got this spiritual dilemma going on. It's the right kind of dilemma but it's a pain in the fucking ass. What is it?

It's like this - at least a thousand times a day there are a million comments running through my head on what I'd like to say but then there is a little voice in my head that says, "That's funny but fucked up. Don't say that. You'll get in trouble."

What is this little voice? And why is it in my head?

I've been studying Buddhism for the past five years in an effort to make sense of my life. It's a fucking train wreck, and I mean that in the best possible way. I live in a big city. I work in a big fancy office. I have good health. I got hemorrhoids, I got corns, I got some fat on my ass and my tits sag, but all in all my shit works.

But something is missing. Something has always been missing. I've been talking to a lot of people and the one thing I hear more than anything is how they want to be doing 'something else' with their life. What? They don't fuckin' know. All they know is "something is missing."

We all have lots of ways we go about trying to find out what the fuck is it that is missing. Some of us smoke pot. Some of us drink. Some of us go to the gym so much we look like the actress in the TV show Burn Notice...our bones stick out and we look like a fucking corpse.

We have lots of sex. We eat more pussy than that cute fat boy on the Food Network eats (you know, Man Versus Food, which is essentially a TV show about watching one man die of high cholesterol and fat, but hey, it's good TV and makes people money, so it must be okay).

We suck more dick than all the secretly gay conservative Southern preachers in all of the Southern states combined. We put more hard things into more wet holes than Jennifer Lopez does trying to show the world she can act in the pathetic spawn of movies she's been in. Okay, sure, "Out Of Sight" was great, but one good movie does not a Hispanic or Mexican career or whatever she is career make.

That woman needs to open up a Drag Queen Training Academy in Miami because until I can see under that dress for myself and confirm she doesn't have a dick, I'm not convinced that she/he isn't a a man from Long Island born under the name Jose Riviera pretending to be a biological woman named Jennifer Lopez.

Okay, see? Now, that's what goes through my head but writing that isn't good.

Why?

In my studying of Buddhism one thing is clear -- to find our bliss and move closer to our revealing our true Inner Nature (where we will find the answer to this missing 'something' in our lives), we need to live an openly compassion and loving life and saying that Jennifer Lopez is a dirty, rich trannie who hoards all of her money and has had so much Botox injected into her cheeks she looks like a tan, Mongoloid chipmunk in heat, isn't nice.

Being nice is good.

Revealing to people how they are addicted to their own bullshit is good.

Revealing the truth of our lives to ourselves is the answer.

So how do we do it? How do we live a fully honest life? How do we expose the bullshit so many people spout, but do it compassionately so our karma is in tact and we don't end up shoving horse dung in Nepal in our next life?

When after a break-up, someone gives us the worst possible advice anyone could give us, instead of saying, "That's actually quite charming you think what you just said would make me fell better, when in fact, you've always been a heartless cunt and I hope you get a yeast infection that last for all of bikini season", we might say this:

"I know you are trying to be kind, but what you just said isn't helpful. I just told you I found my husband in bed with four hooker midgets...one had a dick. And you tell me to accept and forgive? How about he accepts my shoving a lamp shade up his ass and I accept tipping this bottle of scotch into my mouth?"

See?

It's just a little shift.

Look, I know life is a pain in the fucking ass. I know most of us are not living the life we want to live. Most of what people say isn't helpful or truthful or plain kind. But that doesn't mean we need to be heartless fucks.

This blog is going to be a useful and daily exposure of how all us think in trying to figure out our fucked up stations in life.

What is the mantra of this blog? It's only two lines.

Two lines for all of us hapless fucks to say.

Repeat often:

SHOW ME THE WAY
SHOW ME THE MONEY

Off for now...

Buddha's Bitch